| The Guardian's Toupee |
| I'm sure some of you have heard of the Guardian's Toupee, but thought nothing of it. Well, it's true. Reconnaissance has intercepted this message and brought it to you. What you're about to read may shed a little more light onto the entity known as: The Guardian. |
| Is your scalp showing? Are you always wearing helmets or crowns to hide your "Bald spot?" When people call you baldie, does your face turn pink in embarrassment? I'm sure you've seen those around you with black, brown, or golden waves of flowing hair, spilling around their ears and shoulders. And you've always had to look at them enviously... |
| Until now! |
| The Hair Club for Guardians! |
| The Hair Club for Guardians! |
| The Hair Club for Guardians is proud to announce fashionable NEW hair styles for distinguishing Guardians! These hair pieces are made of the finest materials; able to withstand temporal shifts in time and space without moving a micron! Our patented stay-put materials are guaranteed for 10 millenia of use. All Guardians should conquer worlds--and look good doing it! With the following line of hair pieces, you're sure to send the right message to either your minions, or that significant other! |
| Standard Look |
This is the normal, day to day look of all Guardians. It's dull, it's drab, and it is SO over-rated. You're constantly bombarded by questions such as, "Is it a him or a her, a maam or a sir?" It's bad enough to have no hair, but to have no gender as well is impossible! The Hair Club for Guardians to the rescue. We've been helping Guardians like yourself for over 50 millenia improve their image, their self-respect, and their romantic lives. Let us show you how we can help. |
| Exciting, New Male Hair Styles. |
| Donning any one of these three studly hairdo's is sure to garner respect from your troops and swoon that angel of your heart's desire. | ||
| Al Pacino | Antonio Banderas | John Travolta |
| If you'd rather shout, "I'm cool," then these hair pieces are for you! Modeled after the hair styles of the most attractive men from Earth (which was recently acquired), you're sure to score with that She-Guardian you've always pined for. | ||
| Brad Pitt | Val Kilmer | Tom Cruise |
| Finally, if you'd rather go for that surfer look, then the classic Keanu hair is for you. Otherwise, you could try the quasi-Moe look (from the 3 Stooges) of Adam Sandler. In either case, these hair pieces will help distinguish you as a rebel. A free thinker. A Guardian with no known bounds of taste! These are truly for the independent type. | |
| Keanu Reeves | Adam Sandler |
| Exciting, New Female Hair Styles. |
| If you are one of our female Guardian members, then these next few models are for you! | |
| We start off with two of the sexiest women known to mankind: Pamela Anderson and Ashley Judd. Either of these golden locks will bring out the woman in you! So put on these wigs and strut your stuff because Mr. Guardian will find you irresistable! (Note: Pamela's implants are sold seperately.) | |
| Pamela Anderson | Ashley Judd |
| These next two models are for the independent female Guardian. The woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. For the light-hearted, yet determined Guardians, we have the Julia hairdo. For the often angry, and sometimes neurotic, we have the Alanis Morrisette model. Either one of these beauties will tell everyone around you that you mean business! | |
| Julia Louis Dreyfus | Alanis Morrisette |
| Other... |
| For the few Guardians who don't know which gender of hair piece to wear, we offer the Ellen Degeneres model. With this gender-neutral hair style, a Guardian can go about their business of leading armies without gender specific limits. The Ellen hairdo is a symbol of ambiguity and mystery. Are you a male? Are you a female? It's up to you to decide what you want your followers to believe. |
| Ellen Degeneres |
| Order Form |
| Don't Hesitate! Order now! If you call today and mention this ad, we'll give you FREE, one hair piece with the purchase of two. That's like getting three wigs for the price of two! It's such an incredible deal, we don't know how long we'll be able to offer it! But if you act now, you'll be guaranteed to look your best, no matter what happens. To order, send 40,000 Quarzids (flips) to:
Hair Club for Guardians If you order now, we'll have your hair to you tomorrow!* *Barring any problems with interdimensional travel caused by meddling do-gooders. |
| Epilogue |
| What can we make of this odd message? What secrets does it hide behind with code words such as Quarzid? Hairdo? and Ellen Degeneres? Could it be an emminant attack on our beloved Britannia? Or simply a little too much ale on a weekend binge? We may never know... |
| Ultima Main |
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This page last updated on June 5, 1999 All original images copyright Louis Stice. All borrowed images copyright Origin and Mr Showbiz.Com. All colorization of scanned images copyright Louis Stice. Use of images found on my website without prior authorization strictly prohibited. All JavaScript code copyright Louis Stice Ultima and Lord British are registered trademarks of Richard Garriott. Avatar is a trademark of Origin Systems, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Many thanks to http://mrshowbiz.go.com for use of their hair styles! |